Saturday, July 13, 2013

The Bottom Shelf: G&W Five Star Whiskey

Welcome back to our regular readers (all four of you), and welcome to our first time visitors to The Bottom Shelf with Russ!

The Bottom Shelf: G&W Five Star Whiskey

Reviewing bottom shelf whiskey is not that difficult of a task but there are some problems I did not anticipate. I am finding that most of the whiskeys are about the same, and find new vocabulary to keep it fresh and not redundant while describing them is a challenge.  It is amazing that what is produced in a Canadian still behind an outhouse and the results from an American bathtub still have Twilight Zone-esque eerie similarities.  Is there a common denominator? What would it be?

Let's put that behind us for now, and explore G&W Five Star Whiskey.

Five Star is an American product but has those characteristics that other cheap whiskeys in its price range have, like waking up and wondering where your wallet is.

Having just enjoyed a full week of Fourth of July celebrations and fireworks, one has to wonder what our founding fathers had to drink at the end (start?) of their day.  Did they have bottom shelf cheapo whiskey? You bet your American ass they did!

The Bottom Shelf: G&W Five Star Whiskey
George Washington needed it to cross the Potomac River (sit down in the boat, George!).  He also whittled a set of wood teeth from bottom shelf whiskey barrels. Solid oak. 

American patriots got plowed on bottom shelf whiskey just before the Boston Tea party.  And the Tea Party must still be drinking it.

Patrick Henry said, "Give me bottom shelf whiskey or give me death!"  The press just misquoted him.

Paul Revere had one by night and two by day!  The British were coming to take his cheapo booze. 

Therefore folks, with no bottom shelf whiskey, there would be no revolution, and no Fourth of July.  When you see the rockets red glare just don't think of Old Glory, think of old Five Star and it's mind numbing, wound healing, revolution starting, diarrhea inducing, word slurring place in American history.

Here is what I think of the ol' Five Star 

Taste: 3  - Five Star does not have a bad aftertaste, nor does it have a strong taste at all.  A watered down Canada Outhouse

Cost: 3 - Simply go through the La-Z-Boy and the couch cushions for loose change and you too could have a pint of American history in a plastic bottle.  Five Star is so affordable that Tom Jefferson gave it to everyone as Christmas gifts.  His descendant George also drank Five Star whiskey (movin' on up).

Packaging:1 - Again lousy plastic bottles. I bet Five Star was on tap at the signing of The Declaration of Independence

Effects: 5 - Ben Franklin (America's first nudist), wanted the turkey to be our national symbol, flew kites in lightning storms, started the first porn site, stuck his middle finger up at King George, and invented x-ray bifocals (the kind you can get in the back of comic books) all under the influence of Five Star bottom shelf whiskeys.  PS: I Love his oatmeal.

Mixability: 4 - Good for about anything.

The Bottom Shelf: G&W Five Star Whiskey

In summary, I must say that bottom shelf whiskey has a proud and noble place in our American history.  Freedom loving countries all over the world must be drinking from the fountain of freedom, because I see revolutions popping up all over the place.  Yes, binging on bottom shelf crappy whiskey equals freedom!

Next time will take a good look at Kessler Whiskey, the number two selling blended whiskey in the world.  It tastes like number two, that's for sure.

Don't forget to check out our new mascot: Itchy the Crab Louse!


Pass the Fleischmann's!  Here's looking up yours from Bottom Shelf Russ!

Reviews so far: 

THE Northern Lights.
Canada (Out)House.
Canadian LTD.