Wednesday, November 27, 2013

The Bottom Shelf: Imperial Whiskey

Hey turkey lovers! Greetings from the Bottom Shelf!

The Bottom Shelf With Russ: Imperial Whiskey

Thanksgiving is at hand! Many of us will eat, drink, argue, watch football, and nap in excess. Did I mention drinking? Bottom shelf whiskey is on the menu, of course, but how many of us really know the true roots of thanksgiving?

It's not about giving thanks for what we have (although that's what it should be). It has to do with the real reason the Pilgrims came to a new land to live. On the Mayflower, the pilgrims came to America. Not for religious freedom, or to start new lives, or even to escape the King of England. No! Nothing of the sort. They sailed to find ye olde cheap ass bottom shelf whiskey.

Hearing promises of booze flowing out of the ground like a backed-up sump pump in April, flowing like Niagara Falls with ye oldie type geysers, Great Lakes sized booze ponds, and Hoover Dam back ups waiting to be tapped. They all wanted to get completely pickled. Before even starting out, the newcomers would have to make many difficult decisions. There was not enough room for all the food, water, and barrels of crappy hootch. No problem, just throw out half the food, turn up the music, and set sail at full speed to the promised land!

Finally arriving in the new colonies, the Pilgrims found out that they had been lied too! There was no cheap whiskey flowing like a river. Being extremely pissed off, they looted the village and burned their boats. They raged. Enter the American natives. They were able to calm down the settlers by passing the peace pipe. Strong friendships were made, producing many pot luck dinners and game nights.

 Pilgrims showed them many European ways of cooking, sewing, farming and twerking puritan style. The Native Americans helped the white man learn to trap game, build sturdy huts, and grow corn. Because of that corn growing, bottom shelf whiskey was born.  Good old American corn liquor. Needless to say, the friendship started to fall off as the settlers hoarded the whiskey and took over the land.   The rest is fuzzy history.

Now onto this week's bottom shelf whiskey: the infamous Imperial whiskey.

It was evident right away that this is no sipping booze. The bad taste that it leaves in your mouth is a reminder of the pungent smell of bum slush. Yes, bum slush, the soggy remainder of a wet fart with large chunks (used in a sentence, "that turkey sandwich sure gave me a bad case of bum slush").

Editor's Note: Don't Google "bum slush".

Let's get to those ratings!

Taste: 1 - Hold your nose and swallow.

Mixabilty: 4 - Mix Imperial at will. One exception: no prune juice (for obvious reasons).

Effects: 1 - See above comments on bum slush.

Cost: 5 - Can't kick them about the cost.  $7.50 a bottle.   A solid bottom shelfer.

Packaging: 3 - Lousy plastic container, but it does have a nice label.

Feel free to stuff yourself with turkey and dressing, and have some Imperial bottom shelf, but before Black friday shopping be sure to watch for flatulence with chunks.

And guess what?  This isn't my last review of cheap whiskey (I know I heard groaning).  I happened across yet another brand: Heaven Hill whiskey.

Gobble, Gobble!! Have a Thanksgiving to remember and hug your kids, they are the ones who will pick out your nursing home someday.

Here's looking up yours from Bottom Shelf Russ!

You can read the other entries from The Bottom Shelf With Russ here: 

THE Northern Lights
Canada (Out)House
Canadian LTD
G&W Five Star
Ten High
Windsor Canadian
Beam's Eight Star