Monday, April 7, 2014

The Bottom Shelf Whiskey Games: Foul Four

Welcome whiskey fans to The Bottom Shelf Whiskey Games and the Foul Four!  We've got two great matchups for you tonight!

Fleischmann's and Heaven Hill from the South Division are up a little bit later, but first we have our face-off in the North between Canada LTD and the Canadian (out)House from the North Division.

All of our remaining games will be played at Bwana's Spam Shack and Bar, which is a neutral site.

Canada LTD and Canada (out)House are here to try and claim Canadian supremacy and bragging rights. That is, until we all can get sober. Canada LTD is the bottom shelfer that has us "living the dream", but it is more like an extended hangover nightmare. LTD's fans are all about the tailgating and pregame spam hash. They are loyal, if not completely crocked, die hards.  Canada Outhouse has a reputation as being a strong tranquilizer resulting in slurred speech (both in English and French), shallow breathing, and heart palpitations in the short term.  Outhouse causes numbness in the extremeties, memmory loss, and cronic head banging in the long run. As the shots start to go down and the crowd goes into a drunken stupor, Canada Outhouse raises a bloody nub in the air to claim a victory.  However, LTD is not to be denied.  They press back with rotted guts and bloated colons.  A last second pants pissing gives Canada Outhouse the win.  No one is concious to see it.

In the South, the very powerhouses of whiskey, Fleischmann's and Heaven Hill, warm up for a real heavyweight contest.  The Spam Shack is cleared, swept, and sanitized for the South Final. Heaven Hill, a huge Kentucky favorite, is a whiskey that takes a backseat to no one.  It has an intimidating dark yellow color with a kerosene odor, kidney disabling strength, and liver hardening potentials.  A glass bottle is a necessity, because plastic would not hold it.  Only the most hardened of cheap booze drinkers can handle it.  It's pretty much moonshine with piss for flavoring and color.  And here comes Fleischmann's, the putrid poisoner, into the Spam Shack.  The crowd quiets down and begins to nervously nibble on their spam kabobs.  The Putrid Poisoner is able to putrify large cities in a single bound,  and is ready to loosen the whole digestive systems of small countries and stunt the growth of all things big and small.  Fleischmann's is indeed the Superman of bad whiskey.   It is the Baron of Barf, the Czar of the Bar, the reigning king of bottom shelf whiskey.  Sphincters, get ready to pucker up. Never drink the putrid poisoner alone!  Fans of both whiskeys are guzzlin' it down with spam sandwiches.  They are staggering around like zombies.  Fleischmann's and Heaven Hill go at it toe to toe like there is no tomorrow, and maybe there isn't.  Many brain cells have died, but in the end only one can win.  There, left standing alone in a pile of humanity, was the putrid poisoner.  Fleischmann's was victorious. They had to call the national guard in to fire hose away the half eaten spam and cheese omelettes and a whole lot of bum slush.

The court has been cleared, and folks are starting to stagger out, but wait!  Canada House is back out, demanding to face Fleischmann's right here and now!  Fleischmann's feel confident in their ability to obliterate anything that stands in their way, so they agree!  It looks like our Whiskey Games Championship is going to be decided right now!

So here it is fans, the two worst bottom shelf whiskeys: Fleischmann's from the South, and Canada House of the North.  Jalapenos and spam dip is being served before the match. The putrid poisoner is the heavy favorite to win, so Outhouse knows it has to dig deep if it wants the crown.

The Poisoner goes right at Outhouse on a full on assault.  Outhouse counters with a "living the dream" punch to the spleen.  Completely unfazed by anything, Fleischmann's hammers Canada House into the fecal position, and with one massive slam to the spam filled guts of the Northern champ, Fleischmann's annihilates Canada House into a pile of crap.

In retrospect, I guess we all knew that Fleischmann's whiskey, champ in the South, and number one seed in the games, would win.  Hail to the king, the worst bottom shelf whiskey of all time: Fleischmann's!

Whiskey fans and bottom shelfers, I hope these reviews and The Whiskey Games gave you something to chuckle about.  I hope no one was offended, because it was all just about having fun with the subject.

Thanks for reading, and thanks to Jeremy who gave me a chance to do this and kill my guts.  I will be back in the not to distant future to review some other bottom shelf items that aren't whiskey.

Until we meet again, here's looking up yours from Bottom Shelf Russ!