Thursday, May 21, 2015

My New Top Ten RiffTrax B-Movie Releases

Last August, I compiled a top ten list of my favorite RiffTrax VoD releases.  I had a pretty solid list at that time, too.  Since making that list, however, they have released sixteen new movies and I knew I had to update my list.

This was not an easy venture.  You know those scenes in movies and TV shows where there is a group of people trying to come up with an idea or a verdict in a murder trial, and they are just arguing the whole time?  There is always one guy just sitting there, with his head resting on one or both of his hands, trying to make sense of it all.  I was that guy while working on this list.  I was also everyone else arguing with each other.  Honest to God, this list took me two and a half weeks to finalize.

I am glad I don't work under any sort of deadline.

In the end, only four of the releases from the first list have survived.  The rest are all from the last nine months.

Be sure to argue my list in the comments or on Twitter.

  10. Hawk The Slayer

A movie about one of the lamest D&D campaigns ever.  Hawk The Slayer is about a man, his dead father's magic MacGuffin sword, and his grandbrother Jack Palance.  There is also the fantasy prerequisite giant, dwarf, blind soothsayer, generic soldier, slave trader, elf, nun in a cage, and poorly animated Nazi hawk.  It ticks all of the boxes.

As cheesy as this movie is, I am fairly certain that if I would have seen this movie as a boy, it would have become a favorite of mine.  Especially the teleporting sword.
9. RiffTrax Live: Santa Claus

In December of 2014, the guys did a live show of Santa Claus, which had previously been done for an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  That episode is one of my all-time favorites, and this live version was even better.

It helped that this was the entire movie, and not a version of the film cut down to fit the length of a MST3K episdoe.

This live show also features the ACI short Sugar & Spice, which is all about making things with sugar, and then eating as much as you can before slipping into a diabetic coma.

The Yeti.  Abominable Snowman.  The Bumble.  Cousin to Bigfoot.  Forget everything you thought you knew about them, because this movie is going to crumble those delusions like a dry meatloaf.  Also, it stars Meat Loaf.

The great yeti is portrayed here not as a towering beast, but instead as a small blend of every cute movie creature from mogwai to ewok to E.T.  And it's a boy. We know, because the lead girl actor checked.

Did I mention Meat Loaf?  Because he is here as a great hunter. With his sidekick Blubber, the Loaf has been hired to catch a vicious yeti for the insufferable son of an assumed mob boss.

This is one that I have brought up before.  I can't even count the number of times I have watched this riff.  Every time I turn it on, my wife leaves the room.  She just can't take it anymore.

This movie must have come from someone who heard someone talking about The Terminator and Robocop, decided to make a movie combining the two, but had never actually seen The Terminator or Robocop.

A scientist names Coldyron (pronounced Cold Iron, Not Coldey Ron) is working on a robot police officer, and oopsie!  Things go haywire, and the android is off to murder criminals.  Or just people he thinks did something wrong.

At least R.O.T.O.R.'s one weakness is car horns!

When I brought this one up before, I mentioned that it was one of the best riffs the guys have ever done.  I stick to that still today.  It's another that I have re-watched countless times, and I really don't see myself ever tiring of it.  For me, this is my Pod People.

Re-reading this list, I realize the last statement might go over a few heads, so let me 'splain.  When it comes to episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000, I have two that I can just watch over and over and over and never tire of them.  They are Pod People and Jack Frost.  I hope this clears it up for you.

This marks the fifth time this movie has shown up on the site.  That's gotta count for how bonkers it is.

Instead of rehashing the same old stuff, I have a special treat for you: Nearly twenty minutes of the guys doing their Ice Cream Bunny laughs in a round from Hell.

I honestly never thought I would see anything more insane than the Ice Cream Bunny.  Was I ever wrong.

The first time I watched this, I started at around 1 AM.  Because of the late hour, I started dozing on the couch while watching.  I kept coming to throughout the movie, and I honestly couldn't tell if I was awake or if my brain was showing me this weird fever dream.  Even after a multitude of repeated viewings, I'm not sure if what I am watching is real or not.

If you haven't watched this, you absolutely need to take a trip on down to Balloon Land, U.S.A.

This movie is a terrible little film about, well, the last slumber party for a group of girls who just got out of school for the year.  I think.  They might have graduated, but there was no ceremony.  Maybe they had to take correspondence classes over the summer in order to get their diplomas.  I don't know.  Anyway, they have a slumber party, and a patient from a nearby hospital comes to kill them all.  The house where the sleepover takes place belongs to the patient's doctor, and he wants to kill good ole' doc and his loved ones.

This movie has pathetic special effects, horrible acting, a rockin' 80's hairband soundtrack, and a double twist ending that would make M. Night's head spin.

I seriously love everything about this riff.  It is so close to taking the place of my all-time favorite VoD, but it is slightly edged out by...

This is my Jack Frost.  I have said before that it was my new favorite VoD, and while The Last Slumber Party is a close second, this movie has a level of crazy to it that will be difficult to beat.

Since the last top ten list, I got this riff on DVD, and was pleasantly surprised to learn that the DVD comes with the option to watch the movie without riffs!

It isn't as painful to watch sans riff as Manos (Yeah, I watched it un-riffed and while sober. Never again.), but there really isn't any reason to watch that way.

And there you have it.  My current top ten RiffTrax B-movie list.  I actually attempted to build a top ten list for RiffTrax Shorts, but that was sheer folly. I'm pretty sure I almost died in the attempt.

In closing, I would like to once again stress the importance of buying these riffs.  Mike, Bill, Kevin, and the rest of the writers (like Conor, Molly, and the other Mike) work really hard to bring this level of entertainment to us all.  I mean, they are the poor souls who have to sit and watch these movies over and over again without the benefit of the riffs.  That is more than worth the extremely reasonable price tags on these movies.  And if you do get these riffs by other means, you can still throw some money their way by heading to the donations page.

Another great way to support these guys is by going to the RiffTrax Live events.  Right now, we are in the middle of the 2015 RiffTrax Live season.  The upcoming live shows are Sharknado 2 (July 9 & 16), Miami Connection (October 1 & 6), and the alternate version of Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (December 3 & 15)

Previous Must-Have RiffTrax Lists

Five Must-Have RiffTrax Shorts
Five Must-Have RiffTrax Video on Demand Movies
Five More Must-Have RiffTrax Shorts
Son of Must-Have RiffTrax Shorts
Five Must-Have RiffTrax VoDs 2: Die (Laughing) Harder
My Original Top Ten RiffTrax VoD List