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Thursday, October 12, 2017

Halloween Movie Madness '17: HauntedWeen

October is finally here!  This year, it brings the long awaited return of Halloween Movie Madness!  I decided I needed to try and make this year special, so most of the movies on this year's list are films that I haven't seen before(and I will probably wish I never sat through half of them).

HauntedWeen
(1991)


When you think of Kentucky, what pops into your head?  Most people would say horses(or heroin).  Hopefully, after reading this, the first thing that comes to mind when you think Kentucky will be HauntedWeen (it was made in Bowling Green).

This is a movie that sticks with you.  Not because it was compelling, or extremely gory, or because it had any sort of message about society as a whole.  No, this will stick with you because you will be scratching your head about what you saw, or still laughing about how bad it was.  It's a terrible movie, but in all the right ways.

The title screen tells us exactly what we should expect from the movie.


WHO USES THAT FONT FOR A MOVIE TITLE?!?!

We start the movie with a flashback showing Eddie, a boy who is obsessed with monsters and wants to work in his family's haunted house.  He is told he is too young, so he sneaks in.  He finds a girl his age, and takes her to an empty room.  He chases her around, until she backs into a spike and impales herself.  So, Eddie helps her...by pulling out a machete and cutting her head off.


He runs into a field, we hear screaming from the house, and his mom grabs him and says they have to leave.  We jump ahead twenty years later, and are treated to an amazing scene.  It is this scene that really hooked me.


Darth Vader, eat your heart out!

After Mama dies, Eddie loads her up into the back of his van and says it's time to go home.

Next, we end up in a frat house, where there's a party of some sort going on, and they are rocking to music from 1950.  Why not.  The head of the frat, Kirk (the only other character whose name I can remember), announces that they received a letter from the fraternity that they need to pay their dues right away so they don't get shut down.  These geniuses decide to throw a party and charge people three dollars to get in.  They only need overa thousand people to come!  That doesn't happen, but Eddie shows up, and gives the guys permission to use the old house for a haunted house.

Let the second fundraiser begin!  And the murder! After the pointless partying, boobs, and a "fix-up-the-haunted-house" montage, we finally get our first kill (since the flashback).


Also, I really need to mention the fact that they have a flamethrower in the haunted house.


I'm not sure how they got this, but at least it follows the Checkov's Gun rule.

Anyway, Eddie built a secret room, and was knocking out people and sticking them in there, set up in different positions before he murdered them for the people going through the house.


One kid in particular was disturbingly excited.


After someone finally figures out what is going on, everyone runs away screaming, and Kirk chases Eddie down.  I refuse to spoil the ending, but suffice it to say the movie just kind of gives up on itself. There should have been at least five more minutes, but nope.

This movie seriously makes The Last Slumber Party seem competent.  That alone speaks volumes.

HauntedWeen is terrible, and really needs to be released by RiffTrax.  In fact, you should go vote for it

And there you have it! Something else that's terrible to remember Kentucky for.

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